what pain made me embrace

08 Jul, 2026

4 moons or so ago, one of my legs started aching so much I could barely walk or sit. I could walk, slowly, with excruciating pain.

Later after MRI I learned I have a disc bulge - one of my discs pressing sciatica nerve, causing huge amounts of pain all the way from lower back to the tip of my toes.

I'm now slowly getting better and what exactly led to this is a story for another time. This post is about pain and lessons within. What I learned from basically having to pause my life, all my hobbies, being in pain every day single day, not knowing why, if I was bout to paralyze or wat the fuk is going on????

What happens when pre much everything (you think) makes you you, is taken away? And at the same time you are experiencing way more pain than ever before, for days and days straight? You're forced to... just be. Endure. Live life one second at a time. And then, in your new reality, you start seeing things from another perspective.

I learned that there are 2 dimensions to life: this very moment, and ⧇⧉⧊.

Life is about this moment. Actually, no, the moment you process this, the moment has already passed. It's being. Breathing. Walking. Experiencing whatever you are experiencing right now. Talking to friends, laughing with loved ones. Reading this post. Listening to the birds sing. Eating food, food so good you could melt into nothingness. Enjoying the sun. Slamming your toe to the corner of the dining table's leg, the one you've successfully evaded thousands of times in the past, and screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

This moment, presence, contains everything that's actually meaningful.

And it exist without you. It's not dependent on you. It's not dependent on anything. Thoughts are literally our brains survival mechanism, to keep going, to keep figuring stuff out. That's what makes us (humans) unique. But you are NOT your thoughts, not even your feelings. You just are. Those things are tools for survival - not your whole reality.

Then there's ⧇⧉⧊. Dreams, chasing stuff, fears, performance, being better, being productive, achieving things, addictions, drama. Hobbies, work, and many things are often done because of ⧇⧉⧊. For me parkour and climbing used to be here. Always chasing to be better. Focusing on the goal, not the journey. In the back of my mind thinking everything will be different when I just achieve this one very thing.

Me pushing through my body's limits and eventually reaching a breaking point is combination of many things, but ultimately because of ⧇⧉⧊. Apart from survival and our basic needs, all of our suffering is caused by the ⧇⧉⧊.

Nowadays I enjoy movement just as much, even if I'm not able to anything "big" or cool or be "good" at it. I move for the love of the game. That's all I can do. And it's way more fun this way. Same applies to literally everything else. Live for this moment, not for some future possibility. Achievements are natural consequence of living life, not something one can force. At least not without paying a hefty price.

Everything meaningful is here, in this moment. ⧇⧉⧊ is a thing your mind developed to help you survive and excel - but it's a monster starting to eat itself, at the cost of your life, health and peace of mind.

Now don't get me wrong - I still abso----lutely love getting better at things. Running faster, jumping further. It's so much fun it's what I enjoy the most. But it's just a side thing. It's a hobby. Sport. Play. Entertainment. Something to pass time.

And I will continue pushing my limits, as hard as I used to - but this time I know just how small of a side quest it is compared to the main quest. Now truly listening to my body. Now I know that it has nothing to do with happiness, contempt or enjoying a good fulfilling life. It's just one way of experiencing life and expressing yourself.